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Quiet with der bottom please

Quiet with der bottom please

This was the command from my Wolfgang our first ski teacher in Austria in the 1970s. Wolfie, better known as Wolf-fang for his tirades, also had the class in stitches with remarks  such as – Ladies – please no sucking, which could sound like something else.

But even much funnier were the hotel signs we reprinted and were threatened with a ban from resorts in Switzerland and other no-fun countries like Germany.

Our biggest laugh came from the American lady teacher who, thrusting pelvis forwards, told her female pupils – “Ok girls, let go fuck the mountain.”

So here’s to fun..


Good Ski Guide reader reporters, our Ski Spies,  have over the decades given us laughs as well as vital real news info on all things skiing.  Here are some of the laughs from our upcoming book.

We asked to send in funny signs sighted in resorts or hotels, with poor attempts at the English language. From a giant post-bag we have selected the translations following ..

  • DON’T pull cocks in bath and To stop leak & Turn cook to right in bath – both from Japanese ski hotel.
  • GUESTS must not do disgusting behaviours in bed - Russian hotel
  • COCKTAILS for ladies with nuts – Turkish resort
  • OUR wines leave you nothing to hope for – Italy
  • Flattening of underwear with pleasure is job of chambermaid – Slovenian hotel
  • SKIERS must take advantage of our hotel maids – Austria
  • OUR establishment is renowned for peace, calm, solitude, so we are always full of crowds who flock here – Italy
  • FOR fires do your utmost to alarm hotel porter – Austria
  • TAKING advantage of hotel ladies is a must – Japan
  • BECAUSE of the impropriety of entertaining guests in the bedroom for sex, you should use the lounge
  • LADIES – leave all clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time – Swiss laundry
  • FORBIDDEN to enter a woman, even if a foreigner, dressed as a man!
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